There is something electric in your heart that no one can take away.

by - 5:08 PM

Hey all! This is a bit different than what I usually do, but honestly right now I feel really depressed and am trying to work through it. I've been trying not to lose heart and to remember that there were good things in the past and that there are good things to come, but it's been tough! Still, though, I am grateful for all the amazing connections I've been able to form with others, for having a space to stay warm and dry in this stormy weather, and for the fact that there are people who love and care for me.

Right now I'm working on a few things because I don't know exactly how to succeed. I just feel like when I'm full of desperation, there's nothing to do but keep trying. It's hard to be productive when you're depressed, and then having anxiety makes me feel even worse about how unproductive I'm being, but I'm trying to take things one step at a time.

There's a super cool writing workshop I'm applying for this year, and I'm trying to find a way to wring out some words. Reading my old poems and seeing how I dealt with some of the things that are on my mind now is bittersweet. I wish I knew where that strength came from. And yet... I don't want to give up. While trying to write something, these words came to me that really resonated with me:

Something I struggle with is feeling like I'm all washed out, like there was something bright and smart and good in me that somehow is all used up. But reading my old writing, or seeing how I can make people laugh and smile, reminds me that I am more than I think I am. That I'm better than I think I am. That I deserve the love I get. And even though so many things suck for no reason, some part of me is still electric and nothing can change that. I just need to remember that the electricity is there.

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